Ask the Hostages!
by Lotus.Under.Thorns
Summary: A forced... i mean, willing... advice column by Gaara and Sasuke! Open to any and all questions!
1. Pocky!

_Authors' Note: _Well, technically this isn't a _story, _more of an…. "advice column" featuring Gaara and Sasuke! My sister and I are writing this for something to entertain ourselves with as the skool year closes. By the way: This has nothing to do with any previous stories!

Here we go then…

0000000

_ Day one of…captivity. There's no other way to describe this. My head hurts like hell and I'm chained to this damn chair in front of this damn computer along with the irritatingly quiet redhead next to me. Oh no, he's looking at me again…I know he's always wanted another chance to try and kill me. This will be interesting. Maybe if he does come after me the two girls who kidnapped us will come in and unchain us and I could try to escape again. Could be worth a try…_

_You're wondering how I got into this mess in the first place, right? Personally I think it's some evil ploy my "fanclub" devised. But that's not the point. Point is, if you're reading this..._

000

"Sasuke! You and Gaara working on those questions I gave you? I brought you some Pocky sticks! You seem like a chocolate person, so I got the chocolate kind…"

000

_Right. The questions. Part of the ploy. Half these people want to pry into my personal life… "What's you favorite yoga position?" What the hell? What gives people the idea that I do _yoga_? And the other half want me to do their homework. I have about 3 seconds before she comes in the room and finds out I haven't been working on the questions, and I hate those damn Pocky sticks!_

_Although she did threaten to kill my pet snake and burn down my house if I don't start typing some half-assed answers to these… Wait, I don't _have _a pet snake…_

"I don't hear _typing!!_"

_Answer questions. Why again? And why _here _next to… Uchiha. Ugh. Looks like he's actually answering one… _

000

**Heeyyy… do either of you two know where Sri Lanka is? I have an essay due in like, five minutes so can you answer **_**fast?!**_

**bAnAnAnAnAS­443**

_What? Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka… well it _sounds _familiar. _"Hey. Wasn't this question just on that… Ellen show?"

"What, did they chain you to the tv too? Or do you actually _watch _that show?"

"…"

**It's between Poland and Antarctica. It became a country in 1785 after the Peloponesian Wars.**

_**Sasuke**_

_There's no way that's right. I always knew he had no brain, now everyone else will know too. That's a highlight! _

000

**Gaara,**

**Do you like being the youngest? And what's your favorite kind of pie?**

_This Pocky tastes like cardboard, I could go for some pie right now. _

_Are these questions supposed to be related? It's a trick question, isn't it? Better not answer too in-depth._

**Youngest? Hah, I'm an only child. I don't eat pie. Kankuro does. Who by the way… is **_**not **_**related to me in anyway. Other than by blood. **

**_Gaara_ **

"Where's my Pocky?" _How'd Sasuke get Pocky all of a sudden?! _"Favoritism."

"I'm everybody's favorite. You're not. So you don't get any." _This is gross. _"You're not an only child, freak."

"As far as _you _know. Hn. Another question… _for me._"

"."

000

**OMG Gaara I luv you! I wanna marry you! And live in your sand castle! And have your kids! Why do you wear so much clothing? That's okay I'll help you take 'em off. **

**GaaraLvr1000 **

**I like clothes. ****No you can't take them off. Stalker. **

**_Gaara_ **

000

**Hey Sasuke! A couple questions: 1.) What's the first thing you notice about a girl? 2.) Would you notice me? Pleeeaaase?**

_My fanclub is stalking me again…Don't they have anything better to do? Damn…I ate all the cardboard._

**1.) First thing I notice…that they can't shut up. And that's damn annoying.**

**2.) I don't even know you.**

**Sasuke**

0000000

**Gaara: **These questions suck.

**HasekuraJiyou: **. _you _try making some up then! Besides, who asked you? You're just here to answer them… smirk

**Gaara: **O.O?

**Sasuke: **Can I go now? I finished the Pocky…

**HasekuraAkemi:** No, now you have to answer _other _people's questions! I'll get more Pocky…

**Sasuke:** _Damn. More cardboard._

Okay please send in your questions! There aren't any real rules, so you can ask any type of question. Warning: For homework questions, we can't guarantee they'll be correct.

000

_Disclaimer: _We don't _own _these characters…

**Gaara: **So you _can't _hold me here!

… We just "borrowed" them for this "story." XD


	2. Fan Cookies!

_As/N: _YES! After a long long long long time of not updating, we're updating! Thanks for your questions XD They have been answered to the best of their ability...

0000000

**sasuke you suck! why do you want to kill your older brother? i know he killed your clan, but why give up your life just to kill one person? KILL NARUTO!  
Gaara, you rule! KILL NARUTO! HE SUCKS!**

**reicheru of the dessert**

**You just answered your own question. How would you feel if your entire family was slaughtered? Besides, I haven't given up my life to kill Itachi. It's only a hobby. Yeah Naruto's an asshole but I'll leave the killing to Gaara.**

_Sasuke_

"Hobby? More like an obsession." _Hah. Even the readers think he sucks. _

"SHUT UP! I have a hobby!"

000

**This one is for Sasuke-kun:  
I LOVE YOU!  
If you dont love me back i'll kill you!   
No... I'LL KILL ITACHI SO YOU CANT KILL HIM!  
I'm SO evil!  
Do you like cookies! **_**Gives you a cookie**_

**Well then my hobby would be taken away... and I'd have to kill **_**you**_**. Yes I love cookies, please send me more so I don't have to eat this damn Pocky.**

_Sasuke_

"You're allowed to make requests for 'care packages'?"

"Sure. People actually _care _about me."

000

**NaruoxHinataStarz**

"For once... I'm not paired with her!"

**There. I've thought about it. No I wouldn't date her. She's too dependent. Anyway our hair would clash. And people think I dye my hair, hers is _pink._**

_Gaara_

"Hair? You go off talking about _hair? _What are you... gay?"

"No. I'm not. Don't you have Pocky to choke on?"

"No I have a _cookie _now!" (Pulls cookie out of mid air) "Someone likes _me _enough to send me a cookie! It's proof that my fan-base is greater than yours."

"_Damnit._"

0000000

**Gaara: **Are these people allowed to send in food?

**HasekuraJiyou: Yes.** Don't worry! I'm still your fan XDD

**Gaara: **o.o

**HasekuraAkemi: **Sasuke! I brought you more _Pocky..._

**Sasuke: **No! I've graduated to fan cookies.

**HasekuraJiyou: **Nice wording. That reminds me off some kid 'graduating to big kid underwear'! Haha!

**Sasuke: -.-**

**HasekuraAkemi: -.-**

**Gaara: **The cookies are going to your head Sasuke.

**Sasuke: **Jealous.

**Gaara: **It was ONE F#$&ING cookie!!!

Keep sending us your questions please. You'll all get a cookie!

**Sasuke: **Wtf? Not any of mine.

**Gaara: **ONE cookie!

**  
**

**  
**


	3. The Tallying Begins!

_A/N: _Thanks for your input! Please continue to send questions in!! Seriously, they have nothing better to do XD.

0000000

"Hey! Time to answer more questions!"

"_Sigh. _They're _back._"

**Yay! Gaara-kun! are you sure you're not actually related to Temari-san? I can understand denying Kankuro no baka, but Temari is cool (she hits people with her giant fan!)  
**

**and since sasuke got a cookie, i will give you 100 cookies (cuz you are 100 times better than him!) and fruit (they dont have much of that in the desert...)  
**

**so, with shukaku gone, do you still like squishing people?  
**

**also, do you hold a grudge against Deidara-kun? (he's the blond guy who looks like a girl who exploded clay birdies on you...)  
**

**Sasuke, why the heck does your hair look like a chicken butt? cuz it's kinda creepy... Oo  
oh, Gaara-kun, I am NOT a fangirl of yours (or sasuke's, obviously) but, can i have your autograph? please?? i swear i will kill kankuro off in a fanfic if you give me the autograph. i SWEAR.  
**

**well, thats it, **

**Ja Ne!  
(WolfChibi-Chan)**

O.O "Hahahahahaha (evil laugh)! Now have more cookies that _you. _How's _that _for fanbase, Uchiha?"

"Just answer the question!"

"With pleasure... _jealous._"

**Yes, I am sure I am not related to Kankuro **_**or **_**Temari. Although she is a rather exceptional kunoichi, Temari is in no way (other than blood) affiliated with me.**

**Who doesn't enjoy 'squishing' people every now and then? I must admit I've cut down on my amount of kills, but I still find time to 'squish' enemies when I find it fitting. You should try it some time.**

**As for Deidara, I try not to hold grudges. He's not the only... **_**odd **_**person that has tried to kill me. Besides, you don't last long with the absurd attitude he has. Art? Art doesn't attack people.**

**Of course you can have my autograph. I'll send it to you as long as you send me the link to that story. **

**Gaara**

"So Sasuke... why _does _your hair look like a chicken butt? Care to tell us?"

**Surprisingly I get this question a lot. My mother styled it this way when I was younger, I just never bothered to change it. If you have a problem with it... whatever.**

**Sasuke**

000

**Gives Sasuke more cookies  
cookies are awesome!  
Sasuke-kun you are better than Gaara  
**

**xXDani-chanXx **

"HAH! See I _am _better than you!"

How many cookies equal "more cookies"? 

**Sasuke**

"..."

"...Hn."

"That's it. I'm starting a cookie tally." (Grabs pen and random sheet of paper)

_Gaara _100 

_Sasuke_ 1 + 'More'

"I'm so winning."

"_Sure..._"

_Gaara _100 + Fruit 

_Sasuke _1 + 'More'

"You can't add _fruit! _That's not a cookie!"

"You suck."

000

**Sasuke, you suck! You are always getting attention while Gaara get ignored. This is a question that I want Gaara to answer: What would you do if I killed Sasuke?  
**

Emerald Lockett 

"Whoa. I was right, you _do _suck!"

**Thank you for seeing it my way! If you killed Sasuke I would... steal his cookies.**

**Gaara**

"Only a jealous person would say _that._"

**P.S. I would send you a cookie, too.**

"Bribery never hurt anyone... although it has possibly _killed..._"

"...?"

0000000

**HasekuraJiyou:** I did it all for the nookie...

**HasekuraAkemi:** Come on!

**HasekuraJiyou:** ...The nookie.

**HasekuraAkemi: **Come on!

**HasekuraJiyou:** So you can take that cookie, and stick it up your...

**HasekuraAkemi:** ..._Yeah!_

**HasekuraJiyou: **Stick it up your...!

**Gaara: **_That's _appetizing. XP


	4. Lack of Oxygen!

_A/N: _GAH! Sorry about the HUGE lack of update XPP. Skool started for both of us and has pretty much consumed our creativity. . Nonetheless! Eventually we _will_ make/get time to update XD Onto the questions!

000000000

**Hey Gaara, I was wondering... what your relationship with Sasuke is. Not like "dating relationship"! Oh hell no! But like, when you're not answering these stupid questions, do you two have civilized conversations? Or do you continue to fight over who has more cookies, fruit, and other things like that? **

ZooZoo

**P.S. I bestow upon Gaara 1 million cookies plus a year supply of Fangirl-B-Gone. The spray I invented to keep away any Fangirl you may come across. **

"Civilized conversations?"

"That's what it _says _doesn't it?"

"This is _my _question _Sasuke_... Shouldn't you be working on your high score or another completely meaningless task?"

"_Heh. _You're just jealous I beat you in _Squelchies._.."

"I still own you in _Tumble Bees_."

"... Shut the hell up."

**My relationship with Uchiha? **

"_YEAH! _Top player in the gameroom – _hell yea!_"

**... Enough said. As for what I occupy myself with when I'm **_**not **_**answering ridiculous questions, I find something constructive to do. **

"Constructive my ass!"

**_Fine, _Sasuke and I have accounts for the POGO gameroom. I suppose you could consider posting fake online accounts on dating websites a new pastime as well, seeing as we've both created a good amount of them. Sasuke has also taken a liking to the pathetic world of YouTube. **

**Thank you for the cookies... and the spray. I intend on using it soon.**

**Gaara**

000

**Cookie tally? sweet.  
and fruit does SO count. ::cuts fruit up to look like cookies:: or, at least  
it does now...  
and more, I think would be 2 or something...  
getting to work on that fanfic! (I was going to write a oneshot and kill him  
off anyway)  
Sasuke: if you have millions of devoted fangirls, and like none of them,  
doesn't that make you gay? (O.O get away from Gaara!)  
Gaara: Actually, I do squish people... also, do you still have that stuffed  
bear? what was its name?  
well, that's all.  
Ja Ne!  
WolfChibi-Chan**

**::gives Gaara a platter of 20 cookies::**

"Hn. _Another _question I get a lot..."

"..."

"What are _you _looking at albino?"

"... She makes a good point..."

"_What? _I'm NOT gay!"

"..._Still..._"

"What are you doing..?"

_SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY SPRAY_

"_ARGH!! _WHAT THE HELL! And I'm _NOT _a fangirl!"

"Just thought I'd test it out..."

_SPRAY_

"Jackass! Gimme that!!"

"_Lay off!_" _SPRAY SPRAY_

:: 14:06:59 minutes and three bottles of Fangirl-B-Gone later ::

**Through an intricate turn of events we have concluded that the answer to the question you directed to Sasuke is that he is not gay, he has a problem with commitment.**

**As for the "name" of the bear from when I was younger, I don't remember...**

"_Hah, _liar."

"I _don't._"

"I don't care _what _sort of trauma you went through during your childhood... You _know _you didn't forget its name."

"You would know, _wouldn't _you Sasuke? What sort of animal did _you _have? A stuffed chicken?"

"... This isn't about me. Wait until the girls hear you're not fully answering the _questions..._"

**... His name was Kuma-kun.**

**Gaara & Sasuke**

**P.S. Thank you for the cookie platter, and bringing up painful memories. I'm looking forward to reading the fictional death of my alleged "brother". **

"HAHA! I _knew _it."

_SPRAY _

000

**more cookies equals 10 cookies!  
::gives Sasuke-kun infinity cookies::  
cookies are awesome!  
::gives Gaara a rock:: see? i didnt forget about Gaara!  
::Gives Sasuke 2 rocks:: because he's still better :P ::hugs Sasuke::  
xXDani-chanXx **

:: stares at rocks ::

"Hn. You only have _one _pet rock."

"It's not a pet rock. It's just a _rock._"

"That makes _my _rocks 10 times better..."

"_Fine. _I have a pet rock too."

"I still have more than you, _and _cookies!"

"... Obviously you need more oxygen. How long have we been trapped here?"

_SQQQUELCHIESSSSSS!!!!_

000

**Okay, since Sasuke appears to be winning (stupid emo-brat) I give Gaara all the cookies in the world, so that way the spoiled Uchiha can't have any. Thanks for the Cookie Gaara! **

**(Gives Gaara all the cookies in the world and shows him a jutsu for making a lake full of cookie dough) **

**Emerald Lockett**

**I'm not emo!**

"_Now _who's lying?"

"You're emo, too!"

"... No."

"Deny it then Gaara... Either way I'm more emo than you are!"

"..." _Wtf? He _has _lost his mind. _

"I WIN!"

**Thank you for dedicating all over the cookies in the world to me, and the pointless jutsu. I think it's clear who's winning now... **

**Gaara ::evil laughter::**

0000000

HasekuraJiyou: Sooooo that brings the 'tally' to, um:

All the cookies in the world + 1,000,120 cookies

A year supply of Fangirl-B-Gone

A rock

A jutsu to make cookie dough

(Gaara)

versus...

Infinity cookies + 11 cookies

2 rocks

(Sasuke)

Wow! Sasuke's not doing as good as I thought! Gaara's got a _lot... _

Sasuke: _WHAT?! _NO! I have _infinity cookies _AND _2 _pet rocks! How am I not winning::angst::

HasekuraAkemi: Hehe you _are _more emo, aren't you?


End file.
